Last night I had a strange and amazing experience in meditation. I should tell you that while I am new to the practice of meditation I have used meditation recordings to fall asleep for years because I have anxiety struggles as a result of my PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder).
Also you should know that my exceptionally high anxiety last night was a result of going out to eat on Sunday night and casually running into the man who raped me when I was 13. In 14 years I have only run into him one other time. It was about 5 years ago and I had my first and only panic attack, I thought I was going to die. Sunday night I was overcome with rage. It felt as though my body was on fire and I couldn't think, or see anything but fire. I could feel my heart thumbing in my chest and apparently I was breathing quickly and crying as well. Anyway he left almost as soon as we saw each other and I was able to have this reaction without him seeing it.
I spent most of Sunday in a trance, but last night I couldn't sleep so I listened to a meditation track on my ipod. After a while I found myself in this strange state where it was as if my body was asleep, but I was conscious. My body was heavy and immovable, but I was aware of it. I felt trapped but not scared like I was under a lead blanket, or swaddled. The weird part was that I couldn't move, I tried for a long time and it took several attempts before I could move even my eyelids or fingers. I was pretty strange to feel disconnected from my body in that way but still be there. It was also amazing because no part of my body ached, or was uncomfortable, it was just there. I probably sound crazy, but I wanted to share.
LibbyK
I am sorry you had to go through something so terrible. I had a similar situation when I was 14. Rape is a horrible thing and even worse the rape of a child. I am not very good at expressing myself through writing (it always seems to come out very blunt)so keep that in mind, but I'll try anyway. It is hard, but you need to take back your power. He has no power over you and you need to work on that so you will have peace of mind and peace of heart.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that meditations are helpful.
Thank you Tina, I am often very blunt too, so no worries. I have been working on that in therapy taking back my power and my voice. I do feel like feeling rage rather than terror was a step in the right direction. Maybe next time I'll be able to confront him.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the support, I'm sorry you had to experience it as well. It sounds like you already took back your power, good for you!